So, You Married Someone with Depression.

So did I. 

Six months ago my wife was diagnosed as clinically depressed. My thoughts were  a mixture of "I didn't sign up for this.." and "We're going to crush depression like the nasty bug that it is!" Since that point, I've been through a lot as "the spouse". It's really a scary experience to go from laughing and enjoying a sunset with your wife to find out the next morning, before work, she's been contemplating suicide. "Great honey, I'll be home for dinner around 6," doesn't exactly fit the bill.

I've learned a lot about depression since that time. Largely because I ask her everyday how she's doing. I've also read some articles and parts of books on the topic. I felt like I should tailor a blog post for the spouses out there. Maybe you can relate to some of this and maybe we can learn together.

The best thing I've been told throughout this last six months is that I'm not the first person to be in this position. Lots of people go through depression. It is viewed as taboo to talk about publicly, though. That is probably because it makes people uncomfortable to be honest about their feelings. Hearing other people's stories has been the biggest encouragement for me as a husband.

When it became fairly widely known that, as a couple, we were fighting this issue, all sorts of people started giving me advice. Some would say, "Wow, that's rough." (to which I totally agreed, but didn't make me feel any better). Others would give me advice like, "You've got to be around more often.." "She's now your #1 priority" (as if she wasn't before...) or "You can kiss your love life good-bye." "(You/We) Just got to keep praying for her." "See if you can get her involved in more activities.." on and on it goes. Bad advice is far from therapeutic.

Here's a couple of things I've found helpful.

#1, Show Her She Has Value (even though she doesn't realize it)

One of the best things I can do is to tell her how amazing (in reality) she actually is. Lucky for me, my wife really is an amazing woman. I don't know anyone who has a problem with her, her personality, or anything she's done. In spite of this, she has a very low view of herself. She says things like, "I don't want to be a drain on you." or "You don't deserve to go through this." The thing I've learned is that I am never going to get her to realize how amazing she is, but I have to keep trying. It is truthful, I think, that it's hard to be married to a depressed person, but I wouldn't trade her for anything, and I can't seem to make her believe it, but I'm trying.

#2, Be Open and Honest with Society (because you're not alone)

Too many depressed people withdraw within themselves. They lock themselves in their towers and their persons. I've concluded that this only makes matters worse for my wife. So I'm very open about how things are going. I only open up to people I trust. I wouldn't tell someone who had betrayed my trust about how things are going, but I strive for openness and honesty. For example, I spent the night at a friend's house the other night while I was traveling. They asked how my wife was doing and I didn't pull any punches. I laid it out there. They shared a couple of stories about depression in their families and recommended a book, which turned out to be pretty good. I could have lied and said, "My wife? Yeah, she's doing good, enjoying her work.." doing that only creates isolation. Be open. Be honest. You're not alone.

#3, Take Care of Things that Create Stress (so they don't have to)

In our present condition, we don't make a lot of money. We're a paycheck by paycheck family. It creates a lot of stress. My wife also has to work because of this, which may or may not be good for her, I haven't made up my mind on that one. In any case, the situation isn't optimal. Optimal would be where finances weren't an issue, debt free, stable, helping others around us, starting our family... But we're not there. And I get this feeling that everyday stress that we all go through affects my wife much more that it does me. She looks physically exhausted after we do our budget, or out running errands, or grocery shopping, or dealing with unruly people/friends/family.

I've started applying for jobs that would take us above this spot. I haven't gotten any word back yet. I'm getting to the point where I'm considering switching career paths (at least temporarily) to take this financial burden off of her. It's hard to make necessary sacrifices without making her feel like she is somewhat to blame. I wish I could just make her happy. They haven't exactly invented that pill yet.

#4, Realize This is Your New Normal (correct expectations go a long way)

Get used to all the little things that are going to happen. Your spouse will need more sleep than normal, your sex life may be put on pause, when you get home from work you may need to spend extra time walking with your spouse though their day (how it went, how they reacted, why?, and what they can do differently). Realize that this is your new normal. A wise man once said that the key to life is "low expectations." I would say "correct expectations," but the idea's the same. If you are married to someone who is "supposed" to be like people on TV you're going to be disappointed. Reality television is far from reality. Create realistic expectations in your mind for what your spouse can do and be in your relationship.

#5, Face to Face (especially if your spouse is a girl)

One thing I've made a point to do is to spend more face to face time with my wife. Instead of t.v. each night, I bought a "Hobbit" comic book. Before we go to bed, we read a couple of pages from this book together. Another example is that I wake her up every morning, no matter what. I want her to know I'm there each morning even if I have to leave at 6 AM. I always try and do something unique to make her know I care, so I used to do "Superman" jumps onto the bed to wake her up, but I got cut and electrocuted on an outlet by our bed, so I don't do that anymore.. :). Mornings and Evenings are a priority.

Thanks for listening. Any good advice is appreciated. :)

An Extremely Brief Look @ Church Discipline.

     Church discipline from a historical perspective has largely circled around the sacraments and the sacraments represented salvation. Penance, Baptism, Mass, and Communion for a large part Christian history have contained within them salvation. Many divisions of the Church still teach them this way. Excommunication of 1 Corinthians 5 isn’t as big of a deal if the person is still saved. If salvation is somehow mingled into the sacraments and excommunication centers around the sacraments then salvation is ultimately being taken away from the convicted unless they repent. “Excommunication is, and was ever esteemed to be, more than a mere local expulsion from the Church. It always implied a denial of the Gospel-ordinances, and with them the means of saving grace.” The early Church focused primarily on three reasons for discipline: 1. “The honour of the Church”, 2. As an “example to others”, and 3, that the delinquent’s “spirit might be saved.” Also it is clear that the execution of the discipline throughout history has largely been with that of the bishop. A broad view of the Church’s history on this topic would be for another paper.
     For brevity’s sake, the Baptists will see some attention. Compared to contemporary Christianity, early Baptists have some fairly humorous (at least the author of this post finds them humorous) stories to tell as it relates to Church discipline. At a gathering, some elders made known to the congregation the work they were up to in the town recently:

[We] went to the wife of William Austin, unto whom we declared the cause of our coming and the resolutions of the church, as before: which when we had done, she said they were excommunicated already. We told her she was deceived; they were reproved and admonished, but not excommunicated. Then she confessed it and said ‘Tis true I was reproved by Mr. Denne for denying the faith wherein I was baptized, but I do not deny that Christ died for all, for I say that all shall be saved.’…Then being weary with hearing her utter these, and many more wicked and blasphemous speeches against the Lord… we excommunicated her…And so we departed from her.

    The story above represents in large part how many viewed Church discipline for a very long time. Church discipline was a matter of steps. After step one comes step two, after two is three, and after three you’re done. Records, like the one above, seem to indicate that it was a very impersonal process. In the above story the steps take place so fast that the girl in question doesn’t even remember which step she’s on. The process is quick, impersonal, and dutiful. It’s important to point out how nonchalantly the two men are willing to excommunicate. In the above, it seems that they aren’t so much trying to lead this woman back to the Lord, but more like they are enforcing the law.
     At least it wasn’t as bad as Michael Servetus, but it still doesn’t seem to grasp the goal that Jesus had in mind. These are people. Their lives with God are in the balance. It seems as if they should be grieving and aching over the fact that these people aren’t walking with God anymore, but there’s no indication of that. It seems much more like business as usual.

     The Church is different from a club in that Christians have a moral obligation to God to remain pure. It isn’t easy. It isn’t popular. And it isn’t smiled upon. This is the task of people who deeply care for the people of God and ache over their shortcomings. On the flip side, it is a delicate personal process which shouldn’t be done harshly, quickly, or without the true end-goal in mind. Church discipline starts with sin and hopefully ends with a loving embrace back into the community of God. It isn’t for outsiders. It isn’t for the openly repentant. It’s for the kinds of people that nobody likes to deal with anyway. It is rough sledding. It isn’t the ideal, but it is necessary. “It implies…nothing less than a full and faithful application of those scriptural rules and principles, which were designed to preserve the order of the churches, to promote the purity, harmony, and useful efficiency of their faithful members, and to separate the incorrigibly unfaithful from their communion and fellowship.” It is also to be done privately as long as possible. Although this is hard to maintain these days. Wise people should also take care that even a private phone conversation can turn into a national media story these days.
     Church discipline is an intricate process that shouldn’t be handled simply over the course of a week or two. This isn’t a fast-food American ideal, but we would do well to learn how this will affect American culture. We aren’t in the 17th century anymore.
     Despite all of these factors the Church shouldn’t cease from its goal of becoming a beautiful bride set apart for her husband. “Lack of church discipline is to be seen for what it really is -- not a loving concern as is hypocritically claimed, but an indifference to the honour of Christ and the welfare of the flock”

My Normal: Learning How to Deal with Depression. by Alissa Hilley.

Call me dramatic, but it’s kind of scary when your Dr. tells you that you’re going to need to rely on Dr.’s and medications, possibly long term, just to be able to cope with daily life. Suddenly my inward self and thinking for as far back as I can tangibly remember, my “normal”,  is about to change. And I am not sure that I want to meet the “new me.” I mean, doesn’t everyone hate themselves, feel drained, and like living in a cave? I guess not.

  I feel like taking medication and seeing a counselor makes me not in control anymore. No longer is it OK for me to just will-power my way out of negative feelings and shameful self-image…the way I’ve been doing for years. I grew up needing to be in control of my feelings, needing to “buck up” and be self-reliant.

 People think I’m just a quiet, happy girl who doesn’t socialize well. But actually, my insides feel like a war ravaged city. I have to stand daily, hourly, at the walls of my city to keep back the demons that would have me in a box, 6 feet underground. Some days I can fight them off pretty well. Sometimes the sun seems to make them a little more frightened to show their faces. I can forget they exist for the day, but come evening they return. I can set up enough reinforcements like my husband, my best friend, or an encouraging spiritual song that makes me feel good for a little while…they will hold for a day…maybe two. But sometimes, sometimes I surrender and I actually invite these demons inside my walls, into the deepest most sacred halls of my city. And there they whisper what I feel is true. That I am worthless and without hope. 

So long have I fought off only to turn around and invite in these whispers, that now I am utterly exhausted. I lie awake at night, overwhelmed by fear or shame, and then I hear a whisper, deep within me. Saying it might be a good idea to lie in my bathtub with a razor…that might finally find me escape. I drive home from work at night from my job in Centralia wondering if I would feel any pain if I just drove into a ditch at 70 mph. When I was just a child, I would lay in the dark loneliness of my room and envision myself dangling from a rope.

And this terrifies me! No child of God should feel like that. It must be a sin. I failed again. And then shame crashes in…the most effective battering ram in the artillery of those that try to enter my gates. 

Just writing these words makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am just an attention hungry sap that can’t handle a little hardship. I feel like I am burdening others with my neediness. God must be ashamed of a child that is so easily manipulated and won over by self-loathing . And what about my husband? He is going to have to deal with a needy, emotional, delusional burden of a wife for the rest of either of our lives. He deserves to have a woman who is self-confident and strong, who can greet him after work with dinner prepared and the house spotless. He deserves a wife that will not drain him, but uplift and fill him. 

A wise man whom I respect said once that part of finding healing and strength is in being vulnerable with those around us (within context of course). I think he's right. So, here I am. As vulnerable as I can get. I know this is a messy issue and makes people uncomfortable. We don't often really want to know what our friends are dealing with, because then we have to deal with their mess as well. I am not seeking a pat on the back or weeping over my misfortune. But I do hope that people will have a broader picture of who I am, as I learn myself who I am. And I hope that at least some people will realize that they are not the only one that feels depressed This is a “normal” day for me. But I am learning. I am trying to be excited about the possibility of a medication and counseling that can give me the opportunity to live outside of walls, among wholesome people. I might finally be a little more normal.

“Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 7:24-25a, 8:1

Why Do So Many Christians Disagree?

Have you ever wondered why so many Christians disagree? It seems to me like the more I study theology, the more issues I find Christians disagreeing on. Calvinism or Arminianism, Cessationist or Charismatic, to tithe or not to tithe: these are the questions. And it really bothers me when Christians following Jesus end up mad, angry, and bitter with each other. I get that it will happen a little bit, but even in formal debates, I've seen blood vessels burst in people's foreheads as they explain how right they are. 

I want to propose a new direction. And it really isn't that new. Instead of the Calvinists having their verses and the Arminians having theirs, why don't we learn to live with the tension in Scripture?

Take Romans 9 for example. Paul has no problem at all with the Calvinist idea that God sovereignly chooses who will be chosen for salvation. In the next chapter he has no problem agreeing with the Arminian idea that whoever wants to be a Christian can.

"I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion. So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy." -- Romans 9:15-16

"that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation." -- Romans 10:9-10

There's a textual reason why we all disagree. The writers of the Bible we're much less concerned with the tension than we are. They didn't explain the tension away; they lived with it. 

Certainly there are issues that are vital. The trinity, Jesus' death and resurrection, that soccer is the best sport..., but there are all sorts of issues that really shouldn't divide us person to person.

I heard a story about a guy who was stuck in trying to decide between Calvinism and Arminianism. He was pushed from both sides by family and church. It was driving him mad. He came up with a way to decide. He took a quarter and said, "Heads is Calvinism, Tails is Arminianism." He flipped the coin and his beliefs were determined.

I've certainly got my leanings on a lot of the issues, but I'm also left with a quandry on some of them too. If God really does want everyone to be saved like 1 Timothy 2  says, then why would he sovereignly create any scenario where anyone ends up in hell? If God gives significant libertarian freedom to each individual, then what's with all this election business? Why elect people that would choose Him anyway? it doesn't make total sense either direction you go.

My proposal is this, "Keep the coin in the air." Live with the tension in Scripture. Maybe we might even be able to live with each other too.