My Normal: Learning How to Deal with Depression. by Alissa Hilley.

Call me dramatic, but it’s kind of scary when your Dr. tells you that you’re going to need to rely on Dr.’s and medications, possibly long term, just to be able to cope with daily life. Suddenly my inward self and thinking for as far back as I can tangibly remember, my “normal”,  is about to change. And I am not sure that I want to meet the “new me.” I mean, doesn’t everyone hate themselves, feel drained, and like living in a cave? I guess not.

  I feel like taking medication and seeing a counselor makes me not in control anymore. No longer is it OK for me to just will-power my way out of negative feelings and shameful self-image…the way I’ve been doing for years. I grew up needing to be in control of my feelings, needing to “buck up” and be self-reliant.

 People think I’m just a quiet, happy girl who doesn’t socialize well. But actually, my insides feel like a war ravaged city. I have to stand daily, hourly, at the walls of my city to keep back the demons that would have me in a box, 6 feet underground. Some days I can fight them off pretty well. Sometimes the sun seems to make them a little more frightened to show their faces. I can forget they exist for the day, but come evening they return. I can set up enough reinforcements like my husband, my best friend, or an encouraging spiritual song that makes me feel good for a little while…they will hold for a day…maybe two. But sometimes, sometimes I surrender and I actually invite these demons inside my walls, into the deepest most sacred halls of my city. And there they whisper what I feel is true. That I am worthless and without hope. 

So long have I fought off only to turn around and invite in these whispers, that now I am utterly exhausted. I lie awake at night, overwhelmed by fear or shame, and then I hear a whisper, deep within me. Saying it might be a good idea to lie in my bathtub with a razor…that might finally find me escape. I drive home from work at night from my job in Centralia wondering if I would feel any pain if I just drove into a ditch at 70 mph. When I was just a child, I would lay in the dark loneliness of my room and envision myself dangling from a rope.

And this terrifies me! No child of God should feel like that. It must be a sin. I failed again. And then shame crashes in…the most effective battering ram in the artillery of those that try to enter my gates. 

Just writing these words makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am just an attention hungry sap that can’t handle a little hardship. I feel like I am burdening others with my neediness. God must be ashamed of a child that is so easily manipulated and won over by self-loathing . And what about my husband? He is going to have to deal with a needy, emotional, delusional burden of a wife for the rest of either of our lives. He deserves to have a woman who is self-confident and strong, who can greet him after work with dinner prepared and the house spotless. He deserves a wife that will not drain him, but uplift and fill him. 

A wise man whom I respect said once that part of finding healing and strength is in being vulnerable with those around us (within context of course). I think he's right. So, here I am. As vulnerable as I can get. I know this is a messy issue and makes people uncomfortable. We don't often really want to know what our friends are dealing with, because then we have to deal with their mess as well. I am not seeking a pat on the back or weeping over my misfortune. But I do hope that people will have a broader picture of who I am, as I learn myself who I am. And I hope that at least some people will realize that they are not the only one that feels depressed This is a “normal” day for me. But I am learning. I am trying to be excited about the possibility of a medication and counseling that can give me the opportunity to live outside of walls, among wholesome people. I might finally be a little more normal.

“Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 7:24-25a, 8:1

Why Do So Many Christians Disagree?

Have you ever wondered why so many Christians disagree? It seems to me like the more I study theology, the more issues I find Christians disagreeing on. Calvinism or Arminianism, Cessationist or Charismatic, to tithe or not to tithe: these are the questions. And it really bothers me when Christians following Jesus end up mad, angry, and bitter with each other. I get that it will happen a little bit, but even in formal debates, I've seen blood vessels burst in people's foreheads as they explain how right they are. 

I want to propose a new direction. And it really isn't that new. Instead of the Calvinists having their verses and the Arminians having theirs, why don't we learn to live with the tension in Scripture?

Take Romans 9 for example. Paul has no problem at all with the Calvinist idea that God sovereignly chooses who will be chosen for salvation. In the next chapter he has no problem agreeing with the Arminian idea that whoever wants to be a Christian can.

"I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion. So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy." -- Romans 9:15-16

"that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation." -- Romans 10:9-10

There's a textual reason why we all disagree. The writers of the Bible we're much less concerned with the tension than we are. They didn't explain the tension away; they lived with it. 

Certainly there are issues that are vital. The trinity, Jesus' death and resurrection, that soccer is the best sport..., but there are all sorts of issues that really shouldn't divide us person to person.

I heard a story about a guy who was stuck in trying to decide between Calvinism and Arminianism. He was pushed from both sides by family and church. It was driving him mad. He came up with a way to decide. He took a quarter and said, "Heads is Calvinism, Tails is Arminianism." He flipped the coin and his beliefs were determined.

I've certainly got my leanings on a lot of the issues, but I'm also left with a quandry on some of them too. If God really does want everyone to be saved like 1 Timothy 2  says, then why would he sovereignly create any scenario where anyone ends up in hell? If God gives significant libertarian freedom to each individual, then what's with all this election business? Why elect people that would choose Him anyway? it doesn't make total sense either direction you go.

My proposal is this, "Keep the coin in the air." Live with the tension in Scripture. Maybe we might even be able to live with each other too.

Creativity

I'm a pastor. I didn't plan on this when I decided to become one, but a large part of my job is simply being creative. This is good and bad. It is bad when I'm lazy (which is more often than I'd like to admit and will probably write about later). It is good because creativity can powerfully affect people. I wish I were more creative than I am. I wish I could be more like this guy.

Or I wish I could be more like a great writer. I have a favorite poem. It is called "Design" by Robert Frost. It shouldn't be my favorite because I'm a professional holy man and all, but I am captivated by the word pictures and thought process it causes within me.

I found a dimpled spider, fat and white,
On a white heal-all, holding up a moth
Like a white piece of rigid satin cloth --
Assorted characters of death and blight
Mixed ready to begin the morning right,
Like the ingredients of a witches' broth --
A snow-drop spider, a flower like a froth,
And dead wings carried like a paper kite.

What had that flower to do with being white,
The wayside blue and innocent heal-all?
What brought the kindred spider to that height,
Then steered the white moth thither in the night?
What but design of darkness to appall?--
If design govern in a thing so small. 

Or even a great photographer. Have you seen these pictures floating around on Facebook?  http:www.boredpanda.com/animal..

The time that must have gone into all 3 of these projects must have been astounding. Creativity is taking hours and hours (or 9 months) of diligent, thoughtful work and cramming it into a bite-sized morsel that hits people deep where they live.

One of my favorite stories is where God tells humans to fill the world and subdue it. My environmentalist friends won't be too pleased about that. There's a festering theological perspective that says you're a terrible person unless you drive a Prius, recycle, feel bad about the industrial revolution and eat organic. That's partially true, we should take care of what God has given us, but it's also true that I'm allowed to enjoy my iPhone, to enjoy the blessings (which are many) that come from plastic, and to enjoy driving a big fat white Ford F-100 from 1967 that get's 8 MPG, runs on leaded gasoline, and only has 4 gears. It's time we found the balance between stewardship and enjoyment. Whenever I get to travel and see the world God created and the world we've been allowed to create by His good graces, it astounds me.

Have you ever been to Berlin? Manhattan? Cairo? San Francisco? Prague? I hope you never look at a city's skyline the same way again. Or maybe you're partial to another skyline. The point is that these are massive, amazing structures that we humans have made. We've come a long way from living in caves, and it isn't wrong..

"You never really finish a creative project..."

 I don't move boxes, or clean toilets, or build houses and so there's an aspect of my job that isn't ever finished. I once had a professor who was writing a paper he would have to present to a bunch of big wigs from other schools. He had fallen behind on the project (I bet because he was watching The Walking Dead on Netflix). He gave us some lame excuse for not grading our tests on time and working on his paper (at least I thought it was lame); he said, "You never really finish a creative project, you just run out of time to keep working on it."

I think that is true. Creative projects never really get finished. We just run out of time to keep working on them.

So, whether you realize it or not, you're part of this grand scheme. The creation of the world is essentially ongoing, and you have a role to play. My deepest desire is that you would believe this. I pray you can see that God has created you and has a purpose for you. In fact, I wish we all could realize that, because soon, each and every one of us is going to run out of time to play our part.

Travis.

What the Bible says about Alcohol, Tatoos, and Harry Potter.

“Let’s make one thing clear, we all live by different rules.”

Have you ever been in one of those conversations with people where you talk deep into the night about theological issues that may or may not be important? I loved those growing up. I used to go over to a mentor’s house with a few other guys and we would talk forever it seemed. One night we got into a particular rant about alcohol that was quite memorable to me.

I, for a number of reasons, didn’t believe that it was correct for me to drink alcohol at the time. My mentor/discipler on the other hand believed it was more than ok for him to drink and that God wouldn’t tell me not too when even Jesus drank and made alcohol. So, to clarify (which it most certainly did not clarify anything), I said, “Let’s make one thing clear, we all live by different rules.” He exploded. To this day he has me in his Facebook quotes page saying that we all live by different rules.

Strong & Weak. Which Is Better?

Romans 14 addresses the issue in unique terms.

“Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions. One person has faith that he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats vegetables only.” -- Rom 14:1-2

There are opinionable matters in Scripture: judgment calls, disputable matters, principles of conscience, non-essentials. The first example in the passage is a person who’s conscience, for whatever reason, doesn’t all them to eat meat. The Bible most certainly permits us to eat meat. “That’s why God made cows out of steak, so we’d eat em.” -- Driscoll. The person who chooses not to eat would be called weak. The person who chooses to eat would be called strong. One guy said,

“The weak in faith are not necessarily lesser Christians than the strong. They are simply those who do not think their faith allows them to do certain things that the strong feel free to do.” -- Moo

It’s interesting to note that nowhere does the Bible say that the weak have to change their view. Nowhere does it say that they have to go against their conscience. It is neither better to be strong nor to be weak.

The Disputable Matters.

Christians most certainly do have liberty in these issues, but some Christians become “weak” on certain issues. Here’s an incomplete list to give you an idea. Maybe you can see areas you are “weak” or “strong” in. 1, 2, & 3 are the only explicitly Biblical ones I know of. The others are all ones I’ve run into over the last 9 years of being a Christian.

1. The Sabbath and other Jewish observances. (Rom 14:5-6, Col 2:16)

2. Meat sacrificed to idols (1 Corinthians 8)

3. Drinking alcohol (Romans 14:21, Col 2:16)

4. Unhealthy foods.

5. Playing poker or other forms of gambling.

6. Playing card games like Magic or Pokemon.

7. Playing Video Games.

8. Watching movies with blood, sex, nudity, disturbing images, drugs, or foul language.

9. Which version of the Bible to read.

10. Listening to certain kinds of music.

11. Reading books that don’t align with the Bible (including Narnia or Lord of the Rings).

12. Types of clothes we wear. Especially on Sunday mornings.

13. Tattoos.

14. Environmentalism.

15. Modes of baptism or communion.

16. Playing darts or pool in a tavern.

17. Weapons or Firearms.

18. Smoking.

19. Celebrating Halloween and other pagan holidays.

20. Home-schooling.

These are all non-essentials that become essential in a subjective way through each individual’s conscience. Usually the “weak” person will say something like, “I’m uncomfortable with…”.

No one is all strong. No one is all weak. Everybody has areas where they are strong. Everybody has areas where they are weak.

Two things I’m weak in are alcohol (as I mentioned above) and sex scenes in movies. I’m not sure why, but I can’t make it through a James Bond film or a similar show without having the nudity or sex embedded into my brain. Is it a sin to go watch James Bond films? No. Is it a sin for me to go watch James Bond films? Yeah. Is it a sin to drink Alcohol? No. Is it a sin for me to drink alcohol? Yep.

One thing I’m strong in is food. I was in Germany visiting with some people I knew there, and we went out to a pizza place. This older woman ordered a pizza and watched with x-ray vision as the woman started to make her pizza. It just so happened that the woman didn’t wash her hands before putting on her gloves. The older woman I was visiting asked her daughter to go to another food place and buy her some food because she wasn’t going to eat the pizza because of germs.

“Do you know where her hands have been? I haven’t been sick for 14 years and don’t intend on starting today.” Wow! I thought. She had a very “weak” theology that equated getting sick with sin (semi-Charismatic-faith-healing-name-it-claim-it stuff). Is it a sin to eat food with germs? No. Would it have been for her? As crazy as it sounds, Yeah (1 Cor 8:7-11). Going against our conscience is a sin.

I ate a meal off of a dirt floor in an Egyptian village once.. I figured it wasn’t a good time to bring that up though.

If You’re Strong.

 1. Don’t “regard with contempt” the weak in faith. “The one who eats is not to regard with contempt the one who does not eat…” -- Rom 14:3a

“But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.” -- 1 Corinthians 8:9

Don’t look down on people because they are weak. You are weak in some areas also. I have to admit, I’m not very good at this. It becomes even more difficult when someone who is weak in faith binds everyone under their conscience. If the older girl I was visiting in Germany said to me, “you can’t eat that pizza either. That could get you sick…” I would have a hard time not looking down on her. Or if the KJV only guy says to me, “God inspired this version above all other English translations and it should be the only Bible read,” I would have a hard time not looking down on him. Liberty is wonderful, but love is even greater.

Another example. A pastor’s kid was offered the opportunity of a lifetime in Chicago. In 1998 at the height of Michael Jordan’s success, a man who recently won his first Master’s tournament named Tiger Woods came to play golf with him. The pastor’s kid happened to work as a caddy at the golf course they were coming too. Days before the event the owner hand picked the kid to caddy for Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan. If it were me, I would have exploded with happiness. Two of the world’s biggest superstar athletes chatting it up after dominating their sports. Only, there was one problem, they were going to be golfing on a Sunday. The kid, as it turns out, was weak on the issue of the Sabbath. For him, it was a sin in his eyes to work on Sundays. He humbly turned down the opportunity of a lifetime. When I first heard the story I thought the kid was an idiot. How crazy do you have to be to turn down the chance to caddy for Michael Jordan? I was way off the mark with my response. God will honor his choice for following his conscience.

2. Don’t place a “stumbling block” in front of the weak in faith. This can happen a couple of ways. #1 is internal struggles. I was in a Christian school that didn’t allow alcohol on campus. A bunch of guys went out to a restaurant the day after school was over and invited my friend Chris. Chris grew up in a family traumatized by alcohol abuse. He was incredibly weak on the issue. Just by my friends drinking in front of him, he was visibly agitated and offended. He left early. 

“Therefore, if food causes my brother to stumble, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause my brother to stumble.” -- 1 Cor 8:13. #2 is peer pressure. 1 Cor 8:10-12 describes how a person whose conscience is weak can be strengthened through peer pressure to eat meat sacrificed to idols and become ruined. The section concludes by saying, “And so, by sinning against the brethren and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ.” Don’t impel your will upon a weak person.

If You’re Weak.

1. For everyone’s sanity, DO NOT BIND OTHER PEOPLE BY YOUR CONSCIENCE. That bugs the heck out of me. If you, like me, can’t watch James Bond, that’s fine. But don’t say it is a sin to watch James Bond.

Tons of Christians do this. They overstretch principles they feel convicted by, tie a Bible verse to it, and call it a doctrine. I hate that. Philippians 4:8 does not say Christians cannot watch Pulp Fiction. It doesn’t say it. Don’t make it say that.

A lot of Christians get it in their mind that they can only watch movies with talking produce or a stamp of approval from the Kendrick brothers. These movies aren’t bad, but they are a lot like the “Mirror of Erised” from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Whenever anyone looks into the mirror they see their deepest longings fulfilled. When Harry looks into it he sees his family (since he grew up without his immediate family). When his friend Ron looks into it he sees himself winning a sporting trophy for his school team. This is good and does have a purpose. Dumbledore, The headmaster of Harry and Ron’s school makes an interesting observation about the mirror though, “…this mirror will give us neither knowledge or truth.” It doesn’t portray reality. When we submit to God it doesn’t mean that we’ll get a new truck, our barren wife will get pregnant, and our struggling football team will start winning. That’s not how life works. “Neither knowledge nor truth.”

2. Don’t judge people on disputable issues. “…the one who does not eat is not to judge the one who eats, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” Rom 14:3b & 4

On disputable issues, the strong and the weak person are both right so long as no one begins judging or holding the other in contempt.

Fellowship.

Augustine has a famous saying, “In the essentials Unity, In the non-essentials Liberty.” And certainly he’s right. We do have liberty, but the better response is love. The whole point Paul is trying to make is that the Romans “…should not allow differences over ‘disputable matters’ to interfere with full fellowship in the body of Christ.” I think we should certainly hold our essential doctrines tight to our chest, but on the disputable issues we should take Paul’s approach. “The faith you have, have as your own conviction before God.” Rom 14:22.

God Bless,

Travis.

Time With God

I heard a story about a guy who had to spend a year and a half away from his wife. He loved his wife dramatically. Each day he woke up early to write his wife a letter. After the time had passed, he eagerly flew home to find that his wife married the mail-man. 

I think that we tend to fall in love with the things we give time towards. If you aren't spending time with God then you probably aren't going to fall in love with him. When I first started trying to spend time alone with God I was told that you were supposed to be quiet and not make any movements. I spent about an hour each day upset because my heartbeat kept me from being still and everywhere I went was noisy.

About a year after struggling in this stuff, I read a book that made a simple suggestion. Before you go to bed at night, "go outside, and taste the silent night." There's not a lot of things as powerful as one person alone under the stars. 

If you have any struggle spending time with God, get outside before bed and taste the silent night. The heaven's speak louder and deeper than sound. The more you do it, the more you'll start to hear God. We tend to fall in love with that to which we devote our time.

-- Travis