My Normal: Learning How to Deal with Depression. by Alissa Hilley.

Call me dramatic, but it’s kind of scary when your Dr. tells you that you’re going to need to rely on Dr.’s and medications, possibly long term, just to be able to cope with daily life. Suddenly my inward self and thinking for as far back as I can tangibly remember, my “normal”,  is about to change. And I am not sure that I want to meet the “new me.” I mean, doesn’t everyone hate themselves, feel drained, and like living in a cave? I guess not.

  I feel like taking medication and seeing a counselor makes me not in control anymore. No longer is it OK for me to just will-power my way out of negative feelings and shameful self-image…the way I’ve been doing for years. I grew up needing to be in control of my feelings, needing to “buck up” and be self-reliant.

 People think I’m just a quiet, happy girl who doesn’t socialize well. But actually, my insides feel like a war ravaged city. I have to stand daily, hourly, at the walls of my city to keep back the demons that would have me in a box, 6 feet underground. Some days I can fight them off pretty well. Sometimes the sun seems to make them a little more frightened to show their faces. I can forget they exist for the day, but come evening they return. I can set up enough reinforcements like my husband, my best friend, or an encouraging spiritual song that makes me feel good for a little while…they will hold for a day…maybe two. But sometimes, sometimes I surrender and I actually invite these demons inside my walls, into the deepest most sacred halls of my city. And there they whisper what I feel is true. That I am worthless and without hope. 

So long have I fought off only to turn around and invite in these whispers, that now I am utterly exhausted. I lie awake at night, overwhelmed by fear or shame, and then I hear a whisper, deep within me. Saying it might be a good idea to lie in my bathtub with a razor…that might finally find me escape. I drive home from work at night from my job in Centralia wondering if I would feel any pain if I just drove into a ditch at 70 mph. When I was just a child, I would lay in the dark loneliness of my room and envision myself dangling from a rope.

And this terrifies me! No child of God should feel like that. It must be a sin. I failed again. And then shame crashes in…the most effective battering ram in the artillery of those that try to enter my gates. 

Just writing these words makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am just an attention hungry sap that can’t handle a little hardship. I feel like I am burdening others with my neediness. God must be ashamed of a child that is so easily manipulated and won over by self-loathing . And what about my husband? He is going to have to deal with a needy, emotional, delusional burden of a wife for the rest of either of our lives. He deserves to have a woman who is self-confident and strong, who can greet him after work with dinner prepared and the house spotless. He deserves a wife that will not drain him, but uplift and fill him. 

A wise man whom I respect said once that part of finding healing and strength is in being vulnerable with those around us (within context of course). I think he's right. So, here I am. As vulnerable as I can get. I know this is a messy issue and makes people uncomfortable. We don't often really want to know what our friends are dealing with, because then we have to deal with their mess as well. I am not seeking a pat on the back or weeping over my misfortune. But I do hope that people will have a broader picture of who I am, as I learn myself who I am. And I hope that at least some people will realize that they are not the only one that feels depressed This is a “normal” day for me. But I am learning. I am trying to be excited about the possibility of a medication and counseling that can give me the opportunity to live outside of walls, among wholesome people. I might finally be a little more normal.

“Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 7:24-25a, 8:1