So, You Married Someone with Depression.

So did I. 

Six months ago my wife was diagnosed as clinically depressed. My thoughts were  a mixture of "I didn't sign up for this.." and "We're going to crush depression like the nasty bug that it is!" Since that point, I've been through a lot as "the spouse". It's really a scary experience to go from laughing and enjoying a sunset with your wife to find out the next morning, before work, she's been contemplating suicide. "Great honey, I'll be home for dinner around 6," doesn't exactly fit the bill.

I've learned a lot about depression since that time. Largely because I ask her everyday how she's doing. I've also read some articles and parts of books on the topic. I felt like I should tailor a blog post for the spouses out there. Maybe you can relate to some of this and maybe we can learn together.

The best thing I've been told throughout this last six months is that I'm not the first person to be in this position. Lots of people go through depression. It is viewed as taboo to talk about publicly, though. That is probably because it makes people uncomfortable to be honest about their feelings. Hearing other people's stories has been the biggest encouragement for me as a husband.

When it became fairly widely known that, as a couple, we were fighting this issue, all sorts of people started giving me advice. Some would say, "Wow, that's rough." (to which I totally agreed, but didn't make me feel any better). Others would give me advice like, "You've got to be around more often.." "She's now your #1 priority" (as if she wasn't before...) or "You can kiss your love life good-bye." "(You/We) Just got to keep praying for her." "See if you can get her involved in more activities.." on and on it goes. Bad advice is far from therapeutic.

Here's a couple of things I've found helpful.

#1, Show Her She Has Value (even though she doesn't realize it)

One of the best things I can do is to tell her how amazing (in reality) she actually is. Lucky for me, my wife really is an amazing woman. I don't know anyone who has a problem with her, her personality, or anything she's done. In spite of this, she has a very low view of herself. She says things like, "I don't want to be a drain on you." or "You don't deserve to go through this." The thing I've learned is that I am never going to get her to realize how amazing she is, but I have to keep trying. It is truthful, I think, that it's hard to be married to a depressed person, but I wouldn't trade her for anything, and I can't seem to make her believe it, but I'm trying.

#2, Be Open and Honest with Society (because you're not alone)

Too many depressed people withdraw within themselves. They lock themselves in their towers and their persons. I've concluded that this only makes matters worse for my wife. So I'm very open about how things are going. I only open up to people I trust. I wouldn't tell someone who had betrayed my trust about how things are going, but I strive for openness and honesty. For example, I spent the night at a friend's house the other night while I was traveling. They asked how my wife was doing and I didn't pull any punches. I laid it out there. They shared a couple of stories about depression in their families and recommended a book, which turned out to be pretty good. I could have lied and said, "My wife? Yeah, she's doing good, enjoying her work.." doing that only creates isolation. Be open. Be honest. You're not alone.

#3, Take Care of Things that Create Stress (so they don't have to)

In our present condition, we don't make a lot of money. We're a paycheck by paycheck family. It creates a lot of stress. My wife also has to work because of this, which may or may not be good for her, I haven't made up my mind on that one. In any case, the situation isn't optimal. Optimal would be where finances weren't an issue, debt free, stable, helping others around us, starting our family... But we're not there. And I get this feeling that everyday stress that we all go through affects my wife much more that it does me. She looks physically exhausted after we do our budget, or out running errands, or grocery shopping, or dealing with unruly people/friends/family.

I've started applying for jobs that would take us above this spot. I haven't gotten any word back yet. I'm getting to the point where I'm considering switching career paths (at least temporarily) to take this financial burden off of her. It's hard to make necessary sacrifices without making her feel like she is somewhat to blame. I wish I could just make her happy. They haven't exactly invented that pill yet.

#4, Realize This is Your New Normal (correct expectations go a long way)

Get used to all the little things that are going to happen. Your spouse will need more sleep than normal, your sex life may be put on pause, when you get home from work you may need to spend extra time walking with your spouse though their day (how it went, how they reacted, why?, and what they can do differently). Realize that this is your new normal. A wise man once said that the key to life is "low expectations." I would say "correct expectations," but the idea's the same. If you are married to someone who is "supposed" to be like people on TV you're going to be disappointed. Reality television is far from reality. Create realistic expectations in your mind for what your spouse can do and be in your relationship.

#5, Face to Face (especially if your spouse is a girl)

One thing I've made a point to do is to spend more face to face time with my wife. Instead of t.v. each night, I bought a "Hobbit" comic book. Before we go to bed, we read a couple of pages from this book together. Another example is that I wake her up every morning, no matter what. I want her to know I'm there each morning even if I have to leave at 6 AM. I always try and do something unique to make her know I care, so I used to do "Superman" jumps onto the bed to wake her up, but I got cut and electrocuted on an outlet by our bed, so I don't do that anymore.. :). Mornings and Evenings are a priority.

Thanks for listening. Any good advice is appreciated. :)